#Itsokaytotalk is a warm invitation that has prompted the most disconnected of us to reach out. But what happens when you struggle to find the words to articulate how you feel?
As a therapist I help police officers and staff to build their self awareness to effect changes and tweaks to coping strategies which can improve mental health and how we create and maintain relationships. However, experience has taught me that it isn’t as simple as asking “how do you feel?” and off the client goes on a voyage of self discovery and growth…finding words for emotions can be a challenge, particularly if you grew up in an environment where it may have been unsafe or not tolerated by the significant adults in your life, to express sadness, anger, joy (or anything in between). Now, we encourage one another to talk and there are high profile campaigns (quite rightly) by mental health charities stating it’s okay to do so. But I ask again, what if you can’t find the words to match how you feel?
The truth is, you are telling people how you feel all the time, most likely through your behaviour and mood. So when you are experiencing consistent low mood, symptoms of stress or depression and are trying to hide this, your loved ones will see this in how you talk and behave at home (many will ‘hold it together’ at work and even socially to appear as though they are functioning), leading to difficulties and division with those who would probably most want to help you through the tough times.
In this blog, I hope to offer you some ways to help you identify your feelings and be able to expand your feeling vocabulary to help you work towards communicating more effectively how you are and what you need.
Tune in to your body
When you first become aware of being nervous about something, you will often notice bodily reactions such as feeling sick, sweaty palms and shortness of breath. When we experience mental health issues, our body is telling us usually a long time before we do anything positive about it. Perhaps you are tired a lot of the time, suffer from headaches, have achy, tense muscles in the neck, back and shoulders. Perhaps you are prone to digestive problems or your immune system is low. There are so many ways your body is telling you that you need to pay attention.
How amazing are our bodies to be able to offer us all of these early warning signs?! Yet so many of us ignore them (see my blog on Stress – Let’s be Friends).
So, how about tuning in to how you feel in your body right now? Start with bringing attention to your head, particularly your temples and jaw – areas that hold stress. Are you able to relax your jaw? Let your teeth part releasing pressure.
Notice your neck and shoulders (let your shoulders drop!), down through your arms, hands and fingertips.
Then bring attention to your torso area. How is your back doing? How do you feel in your tummy? Any tightness in your chest? If so, take a deep breath in and release, breathing out for longer than the in breath – and repeat a few times.
Working down to your pelvis and hips – anything sore or niggly? Now, focus on your thighs, knees and legs generally – how do they feel? Rotate your feet and wiggle your toes – again, any uncomfortable sensations?
By doing this little exercise you are able to notice if anything needs attention and identify what your body is trying to tell you. Sometimes your body will need simple things like rest and hydration – things that impact positively on your mood too. Try bringing attention to your body every day and with a bit of practice, you will quickly identify those early warning signs, offering you opportunity to act.
Managing your ‘be strong’ driver
If you are someone who struggles to ask for help when you need it, you are likely to have a ‘be strong’ driver. Drivers are derived from Transactional Analysis, a form of modern psychology created by Eric Berne.
The ‘be strong’ driver is one of five. The others are: ‘be perfect’, ‘hurry up’, ‘try hard’ and ‘please others’ and we normally have one or two drivers that are more prominent than the others. Working in policing, I meet a lot of people who firmly sit within the ‘be strong’ even though mental health stigma within policing is starting to reduce in may forces. Because drivers are formed in childhood as a mechanism for staying safe in our environment, we carry on the behaviours and beliefs attached to the driver into adulthood, even when our environment has changed and those particular strategies are perhaps not needed as much or in the same way. This is why some of our coping strategies developed in early years can fail us as adults.
The ‘be strong’ person has an internal message of:
“I must be invulnerable at all times”
“I must help others but not myself”
“I don’t need/shouldn’t need help”
Does this sound familiar to you or anyone you know? The person with the ‘be strong’ driver may feel unappreciated a lot of the time (in spite of praise) and can lack intimacy (though strongly desire it). One of the key things I know from my client work is that people with a ‘be strong’ report rarely being asked if they are okay, that perhaps others feel there is no need to check in as they always appear to be managing, helping others, resilient. The reality is, these outward appearances are often masks for vulnerability and sometimes a lot of pain.
Identifying you have a strong ‘be strong’ driver is the first step towards challenging some of the internal messages and beliefs attached to it. Building self awareness also offers you choices around doing things differently to try and get your needs met in a way that is more healthy.
The ‘be strong’ tends to bottle up stresses and strains and without good strategies for managing challenges to their mental health, they can eventually become ill, seemingly out of the blue to many. Being able to spot the ‘be strong’ in others is just as important as recognising it in ourselves if it is prominent. Asking “How are you?” or “Do you fancy a cuppa?” (asking TWICE if necessary) may be enough to get past the “I’m fine” response that is often a default for the ‘be strong’.
The key to helping the ‘be strong’ is for all of us to create an environment that is full of permissions. In policing, having a peer support structure is gold, as this enables colleagues to help colleagues and opens up the opportunities for connecting and chats.
You can live very successfully with a ‘be strong’ driver but awareness of when your cup is starting to overflow and asking for help is the number one positive choice you can make (preferably before the overflow!). The next part can help with pinpointing some of the emotions you may experience…
The Feeling Wheel
The Feeling Wheel (this particular one developed by Dr Gloria Willcox) is a tool used to help build self awareness and identify feelings being experienced at any one time, with the additional option of ‘drilling down’ into associated emotions that may be familiar to you to build on a deeper understanding of how you feel.
As an example, I might use the wheel by identifying that I feel particularly anxious (in the orange). The core feeling for anxiety is feeling scared so I may think about what it is in that particular moment I am scared about. Looking at the outer edge to help me, I might spot that I am actually feeling overwhelmed by my work deadlines this week and I am worrying about the consequences if I don’t get it all done. This exploration of feeling can help me to ‘drill down’ the feeling to identify and understand what is going on. Once I am able to identify the feeling better, the more likely I am to instigate choices for how to manage them, in this case, reducing the anxiety.
You can use the wheel by looking at the opposite side, particularly if you are experiencing the ‘mad’ (British version of this would be angry), ‘sad’ or ‘scared’ segment and seeing if there is something you can do to make a small shift towards experiencing the opposite emotions. So, for my anxiety example, I might think about how I can feel more relaxed as I know being relaxed will help me to manage my work commitments better by prioritising more effectively and acknowledging the satisfaction of achievement when I actually do complete a major task before moving on to the next.
All feelings are valid and I don’t advocate always trying to move out of the ‘negative’ emotion but to understand it, explore the deeper meaning if possible. After all, it is okay to not be okay too, but the awareness is an invitation to think about how to get your needs met positively.
Talking Therapies
Some therapists may use tools with clients, such as the feeling wheel, as a way to help a client who is struggling to identify emotions and help boost their feeling vocabulary. For example, clients can express feeling angry during therapy so we may look at a feeling wheel together to understand what may be driving the anger. Sometimes the answers are in the opposite side of the wheel – perhaps the anger is driven by not feeling appreciated or valued for example. Then in the counselling, this can be explored as sometimes the stronger emotion being expressed is not always the driver for the deeper emotions but it is certainly a start.
Counselling is a bit of an intense form of self reflection as you are with a professional who is helping you to navigate your way towards positive change of some kind. This is why it is important you take the counselling journey with someone who you feel comfortable with – many talking therapy trainings are based on the importance of the therapeutic relationship, one built on trust and feeling safe to show the vulnerabilities we all have.
Counselling also offers you opportunity to talk about how you are and hear yourself out loud too. This in itself can help to process difficulty and take some of the power away from the stronger negative emotions and practice the exploration for finding the words for feelings and being able to ask for what you need in a way that you are heard.
Self Reflection
How often is it that you actually stop and relax? I don’t mean sitting down and watching catch up tv or scrolling through social media. I mean the checking in with yourself with how you feel in your body, reflecting on your day and the interactions you had. What went well? What might you do differently next time or if you had the opportunity? Try to focus on the more positive things prior to going to bed and letting go of the negative where you can. Give brief thought to what you may wish to achieve the following day (keeping this focus on achievable goals!), no matter how small or simple. Thinking through your day and noticing your bodily reactions and sensations, without judgement as much as possible, allows for a boost in self awareness with regular practice.
Mindfulness is a way of bringing the present moment in to sharp focus and heightening your awareness to your emotions, thoughts, senses and immediate environment. Again, regular practice is recommended to build this strategy into your lifestyle.
Support Network
Staying connected and talking brings opportunity to sharing aspects of life and how it’s been, or is, for you. Push past the “I’m fine” defence and take small risks when you feel comfortable to do so.
Warning: If you are feeling like you want to share something personal or confide, make sure it is with someone who will listen and will not punish or ignore you. Sometimes, we can default to a person in our lives that is familiar but not always what we need. For example, the person who will proceed to dismiss what you have shared by defaulting to talk about themselves – “I know how you feel…last year when I…”
Or perhaps the person who says “never mind – it’ll get better” or the person who is looking at their phone or around the room, or the person who reels off loads of unwanted advice, rather than being able to focus on listening to you.
Even if you are not at a point where you feel you can share feelings or find the words to explain the depths of your difficult emotions, having a cuppa with someone or going for a walk together and taking the time to have human connection is normally very good for all of us and can reduce the isolation.
Writing / Listening to Music
Getting in touch with your creative side by writing can be helpful to identify emotions you are experiencing. A private journal – just a couple of lines each day – allows you opportunity to download thoughts and feelings, giving you opportunity for self reflection and the beauty of letting go. Many will talk about writing your worries away (I am a huge advocate of this) and if it works for you, then go for it.
Music is another way to notice your responses and emotions to lyrics, rhythms, harmonies and instruments. Music itself is often a product of the creators feelings and expression of what they want to communicate. As the listener we can be whisked away to a sensory world filled with sound and emotion. Think about when you bring music in to your life. It often has a function. Sometimes we want to listen to music that reflects our mood and helps us to express it. For example, music can help us express joy and determination and we become more active, dancing around or exercising to the tunes. There are other times where we may feel intense sadness and music can move us to feeling or being tearful. Often music allows us to express the emotion we are experiencing.
My last bit of advice: be kind to yourself. Finding the words to reach out and explain how bad you feel can be a challenge but once you’ve done it, you will likely feel immense relief. A burden and weight lifted and enough capacity to focus on moving forward, working towards prioritising you in the way you prioritise others. You are so important and owe it to yourself and your loved ones to reach out. If you can’t quite find the words to describe the depths of how you feel, then start with “I really need to talk with someone – would you mind if we went for a cuppa today / this week?”
Remember, it really is okay to talk. Stay connected.
If you feel like you need to talk with someone now, please call the Samaritans for free (in the UK) on 116 123.