The nature of the police officer role can be incredibly demanding on loved ones and I often wonder about the impact on them when a client is going through a very difficult time, for example, when work related issues are affecting a persons functioning. Exposure to trauma, internal investigation procedures, performance or difficult relationships at work all have the propensity to spill over into home life.
Whilst the client will always come first, there are times when partners and loved ones become so ‘present’ in the therapy room while the client explores their coping strategies and the impact of possible change and personal growth, it’s hard not to feel a sense of responsibility to keep loved ones okay from afar too.
Certainly over the years of working as a therapist in a police service, there have been recurring themes within relationships, that at times have been at odds with the job and caused issues, some quite significant. I’ve always had to hope that the client will find their way through the mire and partners will inevitably shift and change with them, alongside. Not always. But a lot of the time this happens.
So, for all partners of police officers, especially those that are not ‘in the job’, here’s a letter for you…
Dear Loved One,
I write to you to say that I know it is tough sometimes. The person you fell in love with has undergone some changes – gentle flickers of something different is emerging in the way that they are and you don’t always know what to do and say to make them feel better anymore. You have to share them with a job…a job that takes your loved one to the edge of all emotions from joy to sadness, frustration to pride and everything in between. There may not always feel as though there is enough space for you in amongst the commitment of serving the public.
If you are noticing changes in behaviour, then your partner probably is as well and will be trying to work out how to deal with things as best as possible. It doesn’t mean they will always get this right!
Hopefully I can offer some reassurance and small tips to help you get the best out of your relationship.
Planning Ahead and Being Organised
If you’re not already adept in the area of military precision, then it would benefit you to develop your organisational skills.
As the partner of a police officer, you will have to put up with your significant other not being around as much as someone who works 9 to 5. There are pros and cons to this as there are with most things.
Pros are: you get to have a bit of your own space and chance to catch up with friends, hobbies, interests and be the sole user (unless you have children or others living with you) of the remote control more often!
Cons are: your partner will miss social occasions including birthdays and anniversaries. You will attend summer bbq’s on your own at times due to shifts, last minute changes or just being kept on late…getting home late goes with the territory.
Plan ahead for holidays and annual leave at Christmas…most police officers are vying for time off one year ahead or more so you will need to get used to planning in the events and dates that mean the most to you.
Parenting
The early years of having children can be hard going at times. You may find yourself trying to find inventive ways of keeping the children quiet to let your partner catch up on some sleep ready for their next shift. Getting to know your local area and little bolt holes for the children to expend their energy to their hearts content is advisable, as well as engaging in the social support network around you – family, friends, neighbours and colleagues.
You will feel frustrated sometimes and find yourself muttering obscenities under your breath. Try not to be resentful. If resentment or bad feeling about something does creep in, try to voice this in a way you will be heard positively. A bit of space and time does wonders to ease conversations that are potentially difficult. Discussions when emotions have settled are always more conducive to a better outcome. There is no point in negotiating your needs when you or your partner (or both) are overtired and tempers rapidly fraying.
Christmas. Get used to being Santa…every year! Yes, you will probably be the one to research, buy and wrap the gifts. It will probably be you that waits for the children to be well asleep before creeping around the house with bags galore stuffed with Christmas presents while the other half has either drifted off to the land of nod or is still working away, wrestling with the delights of Christmas Eve revellers.
Christmas is a time of year that is emotionally highly charged as expectations are so high for having a ‘perfect time.’ To avoid confrontation with anyone, prioritise your time for who you want to spend time with and if your partner only has a specific day over the critical special days, discuss and agree between you how you are going to spend the time. Don’t even try to please everyone because you won’t win with spreading yourself too thin. The children are only small for a few years so make it about what they and you and your partner want.
If your partner is on duty for part or all of Christmas Day, then plan in another Christmas Day or hold back on presents and dinner for a different time. Again, it doesn’t really matter what you plan, as long as everyone feels as though their wants have been considered and are as happy as they can be with what has been decided. There is lots of compromise and middle ground to be found.
Try to keep routine and structure if you are not a shift worker yourself. Kids generally like, and feel safe, with routine. You may be the one to provide this most of all. Bath, bed and tea time will need to be governed by the children’s needs rather than keeping them waiting for Daddy or Mummy who you know is trying to get off on time but has not quite managed it for the third time this week…through no fault of their own.
Staying Connected
You may feel like you are sometimes ships passing at night. Quality time is in order – so, date nights (time of the day may vary due to shifts!) or leisurely breakfasts are recommended at least once per month so that you have time together to catch up without the normal day to day distractions.
Warning! Due to the nature of their job and an expectation of always being on duty, police officers can become hypervigilant. They see, hear and deal with many tragic and awful events that this can have an impact on how they feel about you and wanting to keep you safe. Some manage this better than others. However, don’t be surprised if they situate themselves at the pub or in your favourite restaurant so they have a good view of the place, especially the exit. Their awareness of danger can increase over time and this from your perspective may seem disproportionate.
It’s common for relationships to fall into dangerous habits around communication after a while, particularly when work life, children and responsibilities kick in! To keep this at bay, be mindful of talking about things other than routine and practicalities. All too often I hear clients say that they only speak with their partners about the children, what to have for dinner, shopping and anything that has to be done on rest days and weekends. Remember what I said about quality above quantity. Staying connected when you can and ensuring there is some laughter, humour and the odd deep and meaningful conversation is absolutely necessary. Share aspects of your day that aren’t just about gripes.
I hear police officers say many times that they don’t talk about work at home. I understand why an officer may not wish to share detail of something distressing or traumatic in nature, however, the truth is, it’s good to talk. Through many proactive wellbeing programmes and certainly in counselling, clients will be encouraged to communicate more effectively at home about how they are, the impact of work if something is troubling them and being able to ask for what they need from you…I know you are not a mind reader!
Mental Health and Trauma Exposure
Your partner will experience exposure to trauma at work. Give them a few days to come round and try not to take their irritability or other feelings personally (this may be easier said than done I know!). When they talk about what they have experienced, just listen and try not to slip into ‘fix-it’ mode, no matter how tempting.
If you notice changes in behaviour and mood for longer than a month, then recommend to your partner to seek help via an avenue they feel comfortable with and to talk things over with their supervisor or peer who may be able to signpost to further help if necessary.
Mental health and wellbeing is becoming more and more of a focus within police services but of course these things take time to filter into the culture. It is important for each force to have a strategic approach to wellbeing to ensure everyone is taking responsibility for driving mental health stigma down. There will be an avenue of support for your partner at work so some gentle encouragement may be appropriate. Don’t be afraid to ask your partner what he or she needs from you.
A really good tip I can offer is work out what sort of wind down routine your partner finds beneficial following each shift. Is it that they don’t want to talk much when they get home and just need to change their clothes and have a cuppa to mull their day over for a while? Then later on they are able to join you in the land of the living? If you’re not sure, ask what they need. Some people absolutely hate being asked how their day was and others would be affronted if they were not asked. The former is probably more common as it takes a while to transition from police officer to ‘fun partner/hubby/wife/dad/mum.’ Likewise, you need to tell your partner what you need too.
There will be tough times. All I can say is, don’t give up too easily. Amongst many other elements within a relationship, a sense of balance and give and take is necessary to ensure that you both feel valued and important to each other. You are a team and every team needs good communication and a common goal. When things go awry (because they will), as long as that common goal remains and you have the ability to communicate healthily, you will normally be able to find your way back to the same path. The longer you are together however, you will need to re-contract. That may sound a little clinical but we all go through emotional growth and our priorities in life change. So, it’s about checking in with each other to ensure you are aware of what matters to your partner without making assumptions. Help one another to reach your full potential, goals and ambitions in life.
Relationship Top Tip – If you would like something done around the house whilst you are at work and your partner is at home waiting for late turn to start, then don’t assume they will think to empty the dishwasher, get the washing in etc. Ask them. Be respectfully instructional! Getting into this habit early on will reduce game playing in the relationship and make it easier to communicate.
Engage in your support network
Hopefully your partner is one of your best friends, however it’s also important for you to have people in your life who you can just be you with. Someone to call if you need a good night out, a mid week coffee, some retail therapy, a cinema trip or just a good, long chat. Your own identity is important so make sure you engage with your own hobbies and interests.
When life gets demanding, we tend to stop doing the things we would normally do to relieve stress – going to the gym, social outings, being creative, reading – whatever it is that makes your heart sing. We think there isn’t time and ‘busyness’ takes over. When you are feeling a strain on your own mental health, these are the times you need to do those things more than ever.
As much as I encourage police officers to not suffer in silence, this applies to you too. Get talking to someone you trust when you need to.
If you get the opportunity, get to know your partners colleagues and engage in social activity with them – you may find you have a lot in common with other partners who are in a similar boat to you and you will also feel more included by being able to put a face to the name when your other half is telling you about their escapades at work. Camaraderie is often an important way for officers to feel happier at work, so it’s great for you to get to know these characters as well.
I shan’t dress it up. Being the partner of a police officer is not the easiest. However, if you can adopt a non critical communication style (both parties!), spend quality time together, have fun when you can and plan ahead, then you are off to a very good start. Remember that every police officer needs to have balance to help stay grounded so they are not swallowed up by the job and all it entails. You can be this balance and keep the offer of equilibrium present to them.
Oh, and the patience of a saint and the resilience of an ox is desirable 😉
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